WAAAAAAH!!!!!

My internet has been down since Thursday morning. It is now Monday evening, and pardon my French, I’m fucking annoyed as shit. Motherfuckers better get their shit together or I am seriously feeling like I might lose my fucking mind.

Anyway. I have been sitting on this blog entry since the 26th. Fuckers.
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There’s a lot going on at the moment. Some of these things are as follows:

1. I agreed to make a cake in the shape of the Eiffel Tower for my boss’ girlfriend’s birthday. I honestly do not know why I got myself into this mess. Shit.

2. I am running out of money. I can’t determine where exactly it is all going, but my current hypothesis is that it is all being spent on cappuccino and laugenbrötchen. Tasty, but at my going rate, quite expensive.

3. It looks like I may not qualify for affordable health insurance. It is very complicated and hard to explain, but overall, shitty. This is making me rethink the feasibility of my staying here. More on this later, I suppose.

4. I’ve discovered that teaching is one of the most difficult jobs ever. It is of course (thankfully!) very rewarding, but I’m learning that it is also mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. I think you should write letters to your favorite teachers thanking them, because they deserve endless praise. Teaching is wicked hard.

5. I love to teach.

6. Dating is a waste of time.

7. I am addicted to Taco Bell. I fantasize about it. I would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a Mexican pizza. I think that shit may be laced. Seriously, are preservatives and additives addictive?

8. I keep opening my garbage can and thinking, when did I eat salami? That shit stinks. I think it is time to take the trash out.

9. I’m tired of having to do everything all the time. I want someone else to take the trash out. Maybe dating isn’t a waste of time.

10. German butter is so good. Americans are being jipped.

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And the updates since last week…

1) I am totally freaking my shit out about the Eiffel Tower cake. Have considered completely backing out, but am going to just try it and see how it goes. Pictures will surely follow.

2) I still don’t know what the deal is with my health insurance.

3) I am not ready to be a teacher.

4) Taco Bell sounds amazing, and I’m not even hungry.

5) Oh, I discovered the source of the salami scent. It was, believe it or not, SALAMI! I forgot that I purchased some Ja! Salami Pizza. Shit was cheap und lecker (delicious).

6) Dating is still a waste of time. I think I feel worse about life in general when I date, so I’m giving it up. Less to think about.

7) Teaching is really hard. I don’t know if I can keep this up. I really don’t know.

Anyway, peace out, skillet.

Time to Love Myself

Well, I just returned last night from a trip to California to visit the boy. I'm a jerk. I shouldn't have gone. I don't know why I keep putting myself through this garbage. Everytime I see him, I end up feeling like an obsessed lunatic.

I wrote the following while drunk in a club in San Francisco, after I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away:

I feel badly because he makes me feel badly. Not because I feel that way independently. I feel inadequate. He never validates me. I try so hard, I make myself sick. Everyone but me sees the truth. He doesn't care.

Pretty pathetic, eh? I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away. He later explained that he needed some space.

Space? And I'm surprised? F-ing noncommittal asshole, that's what he is.

I am a good person. With a good heart. I am worth more than this. I deserve a good man. Someone who will look at me and run his fingers through my hair because he wants to touch me. Someone who will make sacrifices and plans. Someone who isn't him.

He was my person at one time, but I guess maybe I've changed. I can't do this anymore. It's been too long and too hard. I'm tired of hurting. Tired of being alone when I feel like my other half is out there, digging in the fucking dirt somewhere instead of sleeping next to me.

Fuck him.

One of Those Moods

My sister asked me how I was doing today. My response: "I'm fine. Sort of in one of those "fuck you, motherfucker" moods, but other than that, I'm good."

It has just been one of those days. I don't know exactly why I wake up sometimes feeling like I could kill someone. It just seems to happen occasionally. And not necessarily at times when I'm particularly ... anything. There isn't a pattern to these emotions. At least not that I've noticed.

Perhaps I just need to start documenting my every thought and feeling and entering the dates and emotions into a chart. Perhaps then I'll notice a pattern and be able to tell my friends, "You are going to want to avoid me on the 14th, the 21st, and the 25th of next month." That would be helpful.

A new cafe opened near my house, and I happen to be there at this very moment. Here. The television is blaring a language I don't understand. I don't even know which language this is. I'm having jasmine tea and a "savory crepe" filled with all kinds of delicious goodness: feta, tomatoes, greens, roasted red peppers. Free wireless internet. This place is the bomb-diggs. There are five people in the building. It is quiet and the light is a reddish, mysterious hue. There are comfy couches and big tables. I like this place.

How's This For Your Sign

We finally talked last night. I asked what his plans are after he finishes working out East. He’s going back West to tie up some loose ends and then he doesn’t know where he’ll be headed from there. He is waiting for a sign telling him where he is supposed to be. A stupid sign.

I told him this has been really hard on me. Having him here. Seeing him. I told him I love him. He told me he loves me too. He hadn’t thought about things from my point of view. I asked how he would feel if I were dating someone else. He was obviously quite upset by this idea and asked whether I am. I’m not. I sort of lied and told him I had been seeing someone. Not entirely true, but not entirely false either. He didn’t like this. Not one bit. I told him I won’t date anyone else.

He said that he was surprised that our connection is still so strong after so long apart. It’s like we never missed a beat. He said it is so easy for us to be together. He said I need you right now in my life. I need you. I love you. I’m not sure where this is going though. I need time. I need to talk face to face.

It’s always about what he needs, isn’t it? Screw that. I need some freakin’ answers, that’s what I need. Damn it. It shouldn’t be this hard. He should want to be with me enough that he doesn’t need some stupid sign, he just needs me. I should be enough, but I’m not.

I'm not going to stop looking for my person. I'm not waiting for him.

My Best Interests?

As you all know, I've been a bit, shall we say, dissatisfied with my current job as of late. I decided to rant as much as I needed on myspace and then move on and be proactive. I applied for a boatload of jobs last week and submitted my resume to two staffing agencies. My mom also managed to get me connected with a very nice woman in a very high-profile firm (yeah, mom!). I spoke with her, explained my situation, and somehow landed an interview with her firm for this afternoon. Sweet.

This morning I also met with this guy Jake from B.H. Staffing, who seemed, at the conclusion of our meeting, like he was my new BFF. I thought while leaving, "Jake knows what's best. Jake has my back. I feel better now."

Well, as it turns out, Jake is a backstabbing son of a bitch.

He asked me during our session whether I'd independently applied to any firms and I informed him that, yes, in fact, I had an interview lined up for this afternoon. He asked some details and I gladly provided them, not knowing he would turn around and use them to stick a knife into my spine.

I get to my interview this afternoon, all jazzed up in my new suit jacket and heels (god, I'm such a freakin' yuppie), and sit down in the conference room to await the attorney who will be interviewing me. My mom's friend comes in to meet with me briefly in the meantime.

GET THIS. She asked me if I am working with a staffing agency as well and I said yes. "B.H. Staffing?" "Yes." Then she proceeds to tell me that I need to be more careful with how much information I give out because that bitch ass motherfucking Jake called her after I left his office this morning.

He called and asked her, "Wouldn't you be more comfortable hiring someone with more experience for the position?" Maybe I can help you find someone more suited blah, blah, blah.

WHAT?!?!?!?! You've got to be kidding me! Who the hell is this punk working for? Because clearly, he isn't working for me. He's working for his own selfish self and doesn't give a crap that he may have jeopardized something that could be really awesome for me.

So, I called that jerkface jerk Jake (Jake the Jerkface Jerk, hereafter, JJJ) and we had the following conversation:

(phone ringing)

JJJ: This is Jake.

MJ: Hi Jake, this is MJ. We met earlier today.

JJJ: Hi MJ. What's up?

MJ: I just had my interview with X & X, and it went really well.

JJJ: That's great.

MJ: Yeah, except, the woman I met with told me you called her this morning and asked her if she wouldn't be more comfortable with someone who is more qualified for the position.

JJJ: (silence)

MJ: So, I won't be working with you any longer. Thank you for meeting with me today.

JJJ: I'm sorry about that, MJ, but I was just looking out for your best interests.

MJ: Take care, Jake.

JJJ: Bye.

I think I handled that with grace and dignity, considering what I wanted to do. I wanted to storm over there and kick him in the nuts. That's what I wanted to do. Bitch-ass-punk-face-stupid-prick. My best interests? I think it'd be in my best interests to go over there and put the smack down on his bitch ass.

Anywhoooo….my interview went really fantastically well, despite his deliberate attempt to sabotage it. We shall see what comes of it. Keep your phalanges crossed!

Stupid Dowtown Crossing

Stupid Downtown Crossing. I hate this stupid place. Unfortunately, I have to come to this hellmouth five days a friggin' week.

Today, I went to CVS and as I was standing at the register, I started to smell smoke. No one said anything, naturally, but it smelled like the shit was burning down. Something was on fire!

I went outside and sure enough, the ashtray attached to the building was on fire. Some asshat threw a lit cigarette into a pile of old butts and other miscellaneous items and walked away, leaving the container to catch fire. It was pouring out the most heinous, repulsive-smelling, noxious smoke. I dumped my nalgene into it and put out the fire.

Stupid Downtown Crossing.

Then, as I was walking down the busy sidewalk, a UPS truck decides he is going to try to cross the paths of about 30 pedestrians instead of waiting until the horde passed. An older man was taking his sweet time getting out of the UPS truck's way and the driver hollered at him, "Move your ass! I'll run you over!"

I mean, was that really necessary? Really? No. It was not. I know those drivers are in a hurry and whatnot, but please, that was uncalled for.

This stupid area of the city turns people into blubbering, foul-mouthed, ignorant, disrespectful assholes. Stupid Dirty Crossing. That's all. I feel much better now.

City Living: The Aggravations

1. Poop. Poop on the sidewalks. Poop on the benches. Poop on the train. Human poop. Bird poop. Dog poop. Poop.

2. Spatial idiots. Not paying attention to the rest of the world. Anticipate, people.

3. Unidentified liquids. Puddles. Pee? Toxic waste? As Shawn likes to refer to these puddles: "breeding grounds."

4. Creepy old men on public transportation. Stop staring at the little girl's neck.

5. Guy who thinks he can run--RUN--onto a crowded train carrying a posterboard five feet in length. Thanks for the jab!

6. Poop. Wait. I said this already.

7. Too. Many. People. Okay. That's all. For now.

Catastrophes Averted! Sweet Friday Luck.

To the inconsiderate asshole in my neighborhood: I like dogs. Dogs are great. You have a dog, so it is YOUR DUTY to clean up the dog SHIT that it leaves on the sidewalk on my street. I missed that pile of poo by a friggin' inch this morning because I was looking in my bag to make sure I had everything I needed for work. I, for some silly reason, didn't expect to encounter a steaming pile of SHIT in my path, you lazy son of a bitch. PICK UP YOUR SHIT. That dog is yours, so by default, the SHIT is yours too. Pick it up. If I see you walking your dog and leaving dook piles around the neighborhood, I will pick that shit up and throw it at you.

So, I didn't step in the crap. Whew! I was still pissed, but carried on. I found myself at an intersection and for some reason I was watching the wrong car, judging when to cross the road, and out of nowhere, another car decides to turn the corner. I ran out in front of him before I even realized he was there and he had to slam on his brakes. I'm pretty glad they worked.

I didn't squish the poop and I didn't die. Sweet luck. Happy Friday, friends. I hope you all have a nice weekend that doesn't involve stepping in poop, getting hit by a car, or setting yourself on fire. Fireworks are not toys.

To Hell With Sudoku!

Argh....I hate sudoku. But I love it. It brings me such a nerdy little thrill that i can't contain myself. I do these puzzles nonstop, for hours at a time.

I was first introduced to sudoku by way of my soon-to-be brother-in-law (wow, long live the Hyphen!). I leaned over his shoulder, purposefully invading his personal space as he so often does mine, thinking, "Oh, dumbass, put the 2 there. Put the 5 there. Just put that 7 there." He complied, I think because he was afraid to disobey my orders. The puzzle became an irreparable mess.

I ignored sudoku for many months, until, randomly, I came across a site that allowed me to play online. Once I took the time to actually learn the rules (I was very confused the first time I played and thought I had to match diagonal lines as well), I realized, "Huh, I'm actually not so bad at this." I was finishing these online puzzles left and friggin' right. I was Queen of the Sudoku World and thrilled at my ability to complete these puzzles. Then, one day a couple weeks ago, I was compelled to purchase a small, cheap book of puzzles at the bookstore. And so commenced my private sudoku hell.

This stupid book is hard and I'm pissed. I'm not a sudoku master. I will keep playing, however, because I need it. It calms my brain. I've been doing puzzles with my morning coffee. That shit'll wake you up. Make you pissed, sure. But it will definitely wake you up.

Huh. Maybe that's why I've been so grumpy.

Sucky People Suck

I have a real problem with people who cannot put themselves in the shoes of others. For god's sake, fucking look around you. Experience the world. Take your stupid blinders off for five seconds, please.

I hate people. Not any of you darlings reading this, but people in general. We suck.

Seriously?

I got to the train station to discover that my train was already pulling in. I started hauling ass and barely made it through the doors. Nice. Happy Tuesday.

The train is already packed and I have committed to being "that girl", so I force my way in. It's tight in there and I see that the man to my right has plenty of room next to him. I ask, "Excuse me, could you scoot down a bit?" I thought my request was pretty reasonable, given the fact that people were going to be piling in at the next stop...and the one after that...and after that...and so on.

He says, "I'm all set."

Huh. Well, fuck you too.

Bluejeans, Schmujeans

So, my favorite pair of jeans has a hole in the crotch and yesterday I decided to go try to find a new pair. Good times.

I went to the Gap, and I know the Gap is a terrible store doing terrible things all over the world, but I'm sorry. I hate looking for new jeans and I have had the best luck there.

I pick out several styles and sizes, go to the dressing room, try them on, and none of them felt like my new favorite pair of jeans. One of the women working there offered to get me another size in something that I thought might work. Those new, left weave jeans are really soft and I like that, except the fact that they have no stretch to them whatsoever, which makes my thighs feel like they are being friggin' shrink-wrapped.

I told the saleslady who was helping me that I really liked them, but they are so uncomfortable in the legs. She said she had a pair of the same jeans and loves them. I said, "Yeah, but look how much thinner you are than me." And she said.................."I know."

Now, I have given her response much thought and discussed it at length with a few people and I have decided, this girl is just a stupid little brat. Stupid, thin, little brat-faced brat. She has no common sense and clearly was not listening to me, because if she was, she probably would have said something like, "Oh my god, I am not. Well, thank you, that is very nice of you to say." I mean, seriously, you little brat....why, I oughtta....

Anyway, just thought I'd share and warn you that if you are having a bad day, not quite feeling right about your life, feeling premenstrual and bloated, avoid the Gap at Porter Square like the plague. That little bitch made me feel like crap and she will surely make other customers feel the same. I need to write a letter to her manager.