Sunday, May 24, 2009

Inadvertent High-Fructose Corn Syrup Rant

It’s been almost five months since I got off the plane in Hamburg. It’s been a kind of fabulous five months.

I am flying to Boston in four sleeps, for my friend Robin’s wedding. I am psyched for the impending wedding throw-down, since I love me a good wedding, and also, I have to admit, I'm kind of nervous about being in the States.

I mean, no, I’m totally excited and happy and all those good things, but I am also a little nervous. I am afraid a tiny part of me won’t like it there anymore. That maybe Germany has its claws in me. That part of me will prefer a lifetime of German bread and cheese.

Seriously, have we talked about this? German bread? Holy crap, that shit is amazing. Dr. Atkins would have rethought his diet, had he lived here for a while. Or, maybe not, considering he surely brought in loads of dough (Ha. I didn’t even mean for that pun. The best kind of pun! Unintentional punage! Not a word, “punage”.) with his BREAD IS THE DEVIL approach.

Anyway, German bread is amazing. But could I ever trade it for my beloved Taco Bell? What is the deal? I fantasize about that shit. But still, all that healthy bread has clearly deprived my body of its American-style ever-present NEED for FAKE FOOD--high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) and other delicious preservatives and false flavors. I think we underestimate our reliance on this shit. For reals.

I think the HFCS people are up to no good. No good, at all. This deserves a separate entry, but seriously? Wtf?

Oh, nevermind. I guess it’s going to be in this entry, since the likelihood of me blogging in the next month ain’t so great.

I was listening to one of my new favorite podcasts—Stuff You Should Know, by my latest virtual crushes, Josh Clark and Chuck Bryant. The topic of the episode was HFCS and that podcast left me even more suspicious and weirded out about the junk.

Anywhooo…I told a student of mine about America’s use of HFCS and ended up betting him €5 euros that German Coca-Cola contains HFCS. Why wouldn’t it? Coca-Cola is Coca-Cola, right? WRONG. We immediately went to the closest store and he won the stupid bet. Did you even know there are different types of Coca-Cola? The marketing geniuses apparently cater to local flavor preferences and laws. So my question is, WHY is HFCS allowed to be in the American version, if we have A CHOICE about it? WTF?

Money, that’s why. Corn production and farming legislation. HFCS makes you fat! And it is in EVERYTHING. Meat! Bread! Cells throughout your entire body metabolize regular glucose, but your liver solely metabolizes fructose and any excess your liver cannot handle is turned into fat. It was introduced to the market in the 1970s and the rates of obesity and type 2 diabetes immediately began rising.

Anyway. Yes. Listen to that podcast. I’m excited to go home.

The end.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Update

Well, this is not really an update. I just want to direct your attention here, where I did a guest post for Shawn. Enjoy!

Monday, March 30, 2009

WAAAAAAH!!!!!

My internet has been down since Thursday morning. It is now Monday evening, and pardon my French, I’m fucking annoyed as shit. Motherfuckers better get their shit together or I am seriously feeling like I might lose my fucking mind.

Anyway. I have been sitting on this blog entry since the 26th. Fuckers.
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There’s a lot going on at the moment. Some of these things are as follows:

1. I agreed to make a cake in the shape of the Eiffel Tower for my boss’ girlfriend’s birthday. I honestly do not know why I got myself into this mess. Shit.

2. I am running out of money. I can’t determine where exactly it is all going, but my current hypothesis is that it is all being spent on cappuccino and laugenbrötchen. Tasty, but at my going rate, quite expensive.

3. It looks like I may not qualify for affordable health insurance. It is very complicated and hard to explain, but overall, shitty. This is making me rethink the feasibility of my staying here. More on this later, I suppose.

4. I’ve discovered that teaching is one of the most difficult jobs ever. It is of course (thankfully!) very rewarding, but I’m learning that it is also mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. I think you should write letters to your favorite teachers thanking them, because they deserve endless praise. Teaching is wicked hard.

5. I love to teach.

6. Dating is a waste of time.

7. I am addicted to Taco Bell. I fantasize about it. I would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a Mexican pizza. I think that shit may be laced. Seriously, are preservatives and additives addictive?

8. I keep opening my garbage can and thinking, when did I eat salami? That shit stinks. I think it is time to take the trash out.

9. I’m tired of having to do everything all the time. I want someone else to take the trash out. Maybe dating isn’t a waste of time.

10. German butter is so good. Americans are being jipped.

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And the updates since last week…

1) I am totally freaking my shit out about the Eiffel Tower cake. Have considered completely backing out, but am going to just try it and see how it goes. Pictures will surely follow.

2) I still don’t know what the deal is with my health insurance.

3) I am not ready to be a teacher.

4) Taco Bell sounds amazing, and I’m not even hungry.

5) Oh, I discovered the source of the salami scent. It was, believe it or not, SALAMI! I forgot that I purchased some Ja! Salami Pizza. Shit was cheap und lecker (delicious).

6) Dating is still a waste of time. I think I feel worse about life in general when I date, so I’m giving it up. Less to think about.

7) Teaching is really hard. I don’t know if I can keep this up. I really don’t know.

Anyway, peace out, skillet.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Hamburg

Things here in Germany are going pretty well. I am teaching a lot, which is pretty cool, and of course, learning more and more German each day.

Some things I like about Germany (well, at least about Hamburg, since that’s all I know so far)…

1. Lots of garbage cans on the streets. This has brought me much unanticipated joy.

2. Escalators have motion-detectors on them, so if no one is using them, they are still. Energy-saving, for sure. Clever, definitely.

3. People say hello and goodbye when exiting and entering elevators. I like this.

4. I went to the doctor (in order to get health insurance, I had to get a check-up) and the doctor’s office and her examination area were all in one room. It was efficient. I like efficiency.

5. The bread. Holy mackerel is that stuff good.

6. The cheese. Delicious and inexpensive, when compared to the States.

7. Trains run all night on the weekends. Do you hear that, Boston????

8. Places I’ve always wanted to visit are only a few hours away! Namely, Berlin, which I will visit this weekend. ☺

On that final note, I have to pack. Have a good weekend!

mj

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Ten Tidbits

AND! She’s back! Okay, so I like my blog and I reserve the right to change my mind, so here I am. I haven’t given up on this thing yet.

Since posting my last entry, I have been trying to figure out why exactly I feel disconnected from my blog, and I guess it is because I feel like people expect me to say something hugely profound or spectacular. As though I am traveling vicariously for everyone I know and there is this weight upon me to say something really momentous and blow (KABOOM!) the minds of my friends and family. It is all in my head, of course, and as a result, I’ve freaked myself out by placing way too much unnecessary pressure on little ol’ me.

So, I hereby give myself permission to talk basics and I bring you ten tidbits.

1. At each of the three grocery stores in closest proximity to my apartment, the eggs are not refrigerated. Therefore, I had a very difficult time finding them the first couple of times. I do not understand this, or rather, why American stores must refrigerate their eggs and the German ones do not. I have yet to Google myself out of this confusion. (Dear Shawn, will you figure this out for me and post it in the comments? Thanks. You rock. Oh, what? You don’t want homework? Don’t lie. You love the Google.)

2. Two of those stores also sell individual eggs. You need one egg? Sure, kein Problem! I like this.

3. Stolpersteine. Once someone points them out to you and you know what they are, you see them pretty often. “This is a difficult topic,” says Captain Obvious.

4. I live very close to the Stadtpark, and it is so cool! I ran the perimeter today (almost—stupid ITB making me want to cut my leg off) and discovered there are no less than 5 drink stands throughout the park where you can get all sorts of liquid refreshments, with or without the booze.

5. Oh, they have pretty huge outdoor concerts there in the summer, I guess. So, the drink stands make a bit more sense in that context.

6. The Planetarium is also there. I have yet to go there, but have thee no fear, go there I will.

7. I have yet to go to several places actually. I have been hibernating when I am not working, trying to save more money than I spend. It is a good time of the year for that sort of behavior.

8. The few Germans I’ve discussed spinach with think it is disgusting when consumed raw. I have seen spinach sold raw at exactly one store. Everywhere else it comes frozen. My standard green smoothie recipe now has a kale base.

9. When you exit the bus or train, you typically have to press a button of some sort to open the door. If no one is exiting or boarding a particular car at a station, the doors of said car do not automatically open. I like this, except if the car smells and could use the ventilation.

10. I have only been on one train car that smelled. From the look and smell of it, someone had spilled an entire beer on the floor. My (ridiculously fantastic) friend Anna says that there are signs (which I have yet to see) that ask you to please not bring smelly things on the train out of courtesy for your fellow passengers. I like this.

Okay, that is good. Perhaps I’ll do a bit of redesigning of this silly blog to liven up the place.

Peace.

Monday, February 16, 2009

No Excuse

I can't explain the silence. I have no excuse. I am online everyday and I have a lot to say, but I sort of feel like maybe I am done blogging. It just feels like another thing I have to do and I don't really enjoy it anymore. I guess I just I don't feel connected to it.

Anyway, if I am inspired, I will write. For now, I am inexcusably silent.

Peace,
mj

p.s. The cheese here is really good.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Wow.

Jellyfish will rule the world.

Wacky, Crazy Deutschland

So I was planning on posting a follow-up to my last post, but I am too scatter-brained to do that. Instead, I'd like to share the following things:

1) I was granted a 6-month visa today with the option to renew. WOOHOO!

2) German governmental agencies confuse the shit out of me, but I have found that a smile goes a long way, even here.

3) Today, I saw a woman comfortably riding a bike in stilettos. You go, girl.

4) Minutes prior, I saw a woman riding a bike with a kid in front of her, and a baby behind her. Wowzers, gadget! All I could think of was how awful it would be if the lot of them crashed. It was kind of neat, regardless.

5) I opened a checking and savings account this afternoon. As part of the process, the bank dude took apart the telephone my employer lent me. He needed the serial number and some identification information from the battery. Weird. That shit is lost in translation.

6) My roommate leaves the windows open all the time, to air the apartment out. It is driving me bat-shit crazy. I understand that it is good to air out the place, but ALL DAY?! In the dead of WINTER? NO, not good. We will be discussing this soon.

Anyway, that's all I got at the moment.

Peace out.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Arrival, Part I

I have writer’s block. It seems ridiculous to me that I haven’t written one million blog entries since I arrived in Deutschland 8 days ago, but alas, it is true. I have given this silence quite a bit of thought and have decided that there is simply too much to say, so I was sort of opting to say nothing at all. Much easier that way.

In hopes of getting the words rolling and the blogs coming, I am just going to start slow. So here is how it all went down, part one.

After a lot of planning, packing and crying, I left Boston on January 6th and headed to New York for two days. My original flight was cancelled at some point last autumn, so when I went to rebook the ticket, every itinerary was going to route me through New York, but for like, a gazillion dollars. I was like, screw that, I can get to New York for 15 bones on the Fung Wah or Lucky Star, so I figured I’d just do that and save myself some cash. Then, Jet Blue, being the awesome company they are, randomly gave me a $50 flight voucher for some silly reason, and I was like, screw taking the bus to NYC, I’ll just fly! I figured it would be nice to have a couple of days in NYC, still in the States, full of laughter, fabulous friends and good food. I was correct. Plus, it was really nice to spend my last two days NOT packing and running around like a crazy person. I was able to simply enjoy the time and ease on out.

The flight over was peaceful and I slept the majority of it. I have been blessed with the ability to sleep in pretty much any situation, regardless of my comfort level. Truly a gift. It’s like my superpower. That, and my ability to hibernate for hours on end. I’m like Super Sleep Girl or some shit. Slumber Woman.

I landed in Frankfurt on a layover and had to scramble to find my gate and get through customs in time to make my connection. I hit the first ATM I could find, because I was not able to find a water fountain in the terminal to refill my water bottle, and had to purchase a bottle. The Germans seem to think tap water is not exactly fit for consumption, but I’m not quite sure on this yet. They do dig their mineral water, no pun intended.

So yeah, hit the Geldautomat, got me some Euros and wasser and got ready to board my next flight. Flying over the country was beautiful—lots of hills and snow and sunlight, and a whole lot of “Holy crap, that’s Germany!!!” going on in my head.

My AMAZING friend Anna greeted me in Hamburg with a sandwich, some Apfelschorle and lots of sweets. Very kind of her.

The worst part of the entire journey was when I attempted to maneuver one of my gigantic suitcases and my carry-on bag onto the escalator. The carry-on contained my brand-spanking-new laptop and as I got on the escalator, it fell off the large suitcase and literally bounced, BOUNCED, down the entire thing. BOUNCED. I howled in laptop pain, anticipating the worst, but it was and is fine. A miracle.

I calmed down and we hopped on the train, which warrants an entire post, and headed to my apartment so I could shower and see the new place.

I think that is a good start, peeps. More soon.

Hope you are all well,
mj

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Quitting My Quit Meter

As I have mentioned before, I've got a Quit Meter installed on my computer to track my progress with quitting smoking. I'm about to transfer all of my important data off my PC and onto my new MacBook (yippee!), so I'm going to shut down the meter, but I thought I'd give one last update from it.

As of right now, it has been 2 years, 1 week and 6 days since my last cigarette. I've saved approximately $2,933 and I've not smoked 11,173 cigarettes. That's a whole lot of smokes and a lot of time. Every single one takes roughly 5 minutes, right? It's good to be reminded that I've spent all that time otherwise. Wow. Man, that makes me happy.

But I still want one. How fucked up is that?

T Minus 31 Days

I'll be in Germany in 31 days. 31 DAYS! Holy crap!!!!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

A Decision Is Made

About a month ago, I decided I was not going to Germany. I was very overwhelmed. The economy seemed to be tanking, my job seemed much too precious to voluntarily abandon, and I got really, really scared—terrified, actually.

I was so deeply freaked out that I started covering my tracks, erasing the evidence that I had even been considering going in the first place. I was petrified that one of my coworkers would somehow stumble upon this blog one day and find out I had been planning on quitting and doing this stupid thing—moving abroad during an economic crisis—and I would have to explain myself. I regretfully erased several blog entries detailing my plans, my fears, and my growing excitement.

The self-censorship really bums me out, since I’ve decided to go for it after all. I am still really scared, but I’ve realized that I can’t control the economy. I can only control my own decisions. This may not be the right time for this adventure in terms of the economic climate, but it is the best time to explore this opportunity in my own personal timeline. And money is just money. You can’t take it with you.

So, I gave my notice at work last week and my coworkers have been incredibly supportive and kind. I never imagined they’d be so excited for me, and I feel hugely relieved to no longer be harboring secrets from them. Not talking about my plans was exhausting and I’m so glad I can be open and honest now.

So yeah, that’s the deal. Wish me luck, intrawebz.

Oh, and Shawn, CORN NUTS. Oh!!!! Also, can I just say how freaking thrilled I am that I don’t have to go to Germany and explain the decision to elect John McCain?

THRILLED.