Yes, that's right. I have officially been quit for 1 year and 1 day and, can I just say, HOLY CRAP! I celebrated by buying myself a car! Sweet reward, eh? Tack it onto the heaping pile of debt. It's all good! I deserve it, damnit! So yeah. I did. I bought a car and it pretty much rocks. I love late night grocery shopping. I had forgotten how satisfying it can be.
Anyway, back to it. One year. What a weird feeling. What an accomplishment. I am so proud of myself. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever done and yet, the battle rages on. I still want a cigarette pretty much everyday, but I no longer come to that conclusion independently. It is always triggered by someone else's smoking, instead of coming from my own instinct. That's a good feeling. A great feeling.
It is getting easier and I am so glad I did this for myself. I remember the first couple of days and the horrible withdrawal and how I felt like as if a monster was trying to crawl out of my chest and attack anyone who looked at me in a funny way. I felt like I was exploding inside and the only thing that would fix it was a cigarette. It was awful. I never, ever want to go through that again.
It has really helped me to think about this process as a recovery from nicotine addiction instead of breaking up with my best friend, which is how it felt much of the time. I went to the doctor right before I quit and she didn't want to talk about my girly issues. Nooooo....she wanted to talk about smoking. She wouldn't stop asking me questions about how much I smoked and then she asked if I could imagine a day without a cigarette and I honestly could not. I then noticed that on her computer screen, under my name, it said "nicotine abuse disorder."
Disorder? Disorderly? Me???? I am an organizational freak and some would argue, a control freak. I saw those words and it really struck a chord with me.
It was the right chord at the right time I think. I am so thankful. So freaking thankful.
Happy day.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
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