Gotta Remind Myself

As I type these words, it has been one year, two months, four days, twenty-two hours and nine minutes since my final cigarette.

Holy shit. And I want one. I'm not going to lie. It sucks. It's hard and worth every second of misery. I ran and ran and ran yesterday during my ultimate frisbee game and I could breathe. And damn, it felt so good.

I have to continue to remind myself of the harms of smoking, since, like a break-up with an old boyfriend, I've come to only remember the good times. The bad times: the phlegm, the hacking, the money, the stench....the feeling like an outsider. I convinced myself I liked that. I liked being able to escape from the party and hide outside with my thoughts. I liked having the prop.

Now I have a niece who will never even remember that I was a smoker. And that makes me really happy. She will never associate that smell with me and how I feel about her.

Anywho....just checking in.

Peace.

Holy Molars! I Feel So Lucky!!!!!!

I went this afternoon for my root canal appointment and was ready to shell out approximately $800 on the procedure. When I first found out I needed a root canal, I felt as though I'd been punched in the stomach. My financial situation is always fragile, and I was already feeling pretty overwhelmed, so finding out I'd have to put another huge payment on my credit card totally freaked me out. Not to mention, the second part of the procedure, the crown, was quoted to me to be roughly $1,300. Ugh. Double punch.

So I have been totally bummed out, but had basically come to terms with the money. Then today, I go to the appointment, the dentist does a whole mess of diagnostic tests and discovers that I don't need a root canal after all!!!! The problem wasn't even the tooth my dentist or I thought it was, for crying out loud. My dentist sent me to a specialist to determine whether I needed the root canal, and to do it if so. So yeah, it was a totally different tooth causing me the pain. The specialist filed down a couple of cusps on the problematic molar and ta-da! I'm all better! It's insane.

The best part (aside from the real best part, which is that I didn't have to have my tooth gutted and then the second best part, which is that I don't have to pay for a root canal or a crown), the part that makes me feel like the Universe just smiled (three times) down on me, is that she didn't charge me. She did 7 or 8 x-rays and spent over an hour with me and she didn't charge me. Holy crap, right?! I am so incredibly thankful.

So yeah. I feel very lucky. Thank you, Universe.

Root Canal!

Tomorrow I am quite possibly getting a root canal and I am soooo not looking forward to it!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

I've had a molar bugging me off and on for a while now, and I visited the dentist several times over the last month for other issues. She kept telling me there was nothing wrong with the tooth, but I kept insisting it was causing me pain. So finally, she did a more thorough exam and discovered that the tooth is cracked down to the gum line.

Depending on the severity of the crack and whether the tooth is salvageable, I may have to have a root canal. I've unfortunately done too much googling in advance of the appointment and have managed to totally freak myself out about the procedure. I'm usually pretty good with tooth stuff, and I'm sure it'll all work out fine, but I'm kind of nervous!

They gut the tooth! Pull out the pulp!!!! Pulp is a horrible word. Pulp.

Argh. Wish me luck, internet!

I'm Totally Hibernating

Boston's public transportation is really quite good, but there are certain things about it that aggravate me to no end. My main issue with it is that everything stops running around 1:00. I think the T should at least run until all the bars close, but hey, I don't make the stupid rules.

When I hang out at my favorite Irish pub, like I did Friday night, in order to get home, I have a ten minute walk, 3 trains and a bus ride ahead of me. On a very good night, I can do it in about an hour. Friday night, I boarded the T around...12:50 and finally got home around 2:15. I guess that's not too too bad really. It was interesting though.

See, what happened was, I decided to do the 3 trains and then catch a cab, since I figured that would be quicker than waiting for the bus (the bus runs really infrequently that time of night). My cab driver, however, was driving at approximately 5 miles per hour. So, I asked as nicely as possible, "Um, excuse me, sir, but could you please drive a little bit quicker?" He sort of laughed me off and slowly explained to me that driving faster was not going to get us through this red light any quicker. We kept hitting lights and it kept not making any sense to go faster. I felt like a jerk, so I apologized and explained that it's just that money is tight right now and I'm impatient by nature.

We started talking and the conversation progressed to politics and then to family and life and people and all things deep and inspiring at 2:10 in the morning. His name was Eddie, he was from Haiti and he was sweet. He told me I am "a young woman of solid substance" and that if his daughter had half the sensibility I have, his life would be so much different.

Wow. I really needed that. I have been feeling kind of down lately, so I welcomed his flattery with open arms. It was really nice speaking with him, even if I was in that cab for 45 minutes instead of the 10 I was anticipating.

I slept until I couldn't sleep another moment on Saturday. Finally got out of bed around 1:30. I have a cold and am Captain Snot right now, so after running a couple of quick errands, I holed up in my apartment and watched 8 or 9 hours of television.

Today, I started the day with some laundry, then finished it with some wine and painting. I have never really tried my hand at painting, but I was pleasantly surprised to discover how much I enjoyed spending the evening doing it. That, coupled with the big bowl of dumplings I just had, really made today a good day.

I love being alone and having weekends like this. Where every decision I make is all mine and I can do whatever I want. Sometimes, the idea of having to incorporate someone else's ideas/agendas with mine kind of freaks me out. I almost feel like I've been single for so long that I no longer know how to be in a relationship at all. I'm terrified of having to compromise my freedom.

Is that weird? Am I just making excuses or something?

I don't know. Whatevs.

Feeling Craptastic

I feel crappy. I guess it's the weather or something, but everything kind of sucks right now. Nothing is really that bad. I'm just dissatisfied and annoyed and tired of dealing.

At times like this, I often resort to making a list of why I'm stressed/angry/on edge. Right now, the list looks like this:

1) I keep putting on weight and have no motivation to do anything to stop it.
2) I am lonely.
3) I feel like I will never be debt-free. The debt keeps growing and I feel like I am drowning in it.
4) I miss my old friends. They are so far away and I don't have the funds to visit them.

I guess that's it. Money, weight, relationships. Shocking.

Ugh. I shouldn't be complaining, but I can't help it. It has been really hard to get out of bed lately. Today, I didn't bother. I guess I'm depressed or something. Whatever.

You know what? I'm going for a walk. Fuck this self-pity. I am tired of feeling this way. Clearly, the lack of exercise isn't helping the situation. Here goes nothing.