Inadvertent High-Fructose Corn Syrup Rant

It’s been almost five months since I got off the plane in Hamburg. It’s been a kind of fabulous five months.

I am flying to Boston in four sleeps, for my friend Robin’s wedding. I am psyched for the impending wedding throw-down, since I love me a good wedding, and also, I have to admit, I'm kind of nervous about being in the States.

I mean, no, I’m totally excited and happy and all those good things, but I am also a little nervous. I am afraid a tiny part of me won’t like it there anymore. That maybe Germany has its claws in me. That part of me will prefer a lifetime of German bread and cheese.

Seriously, have we talked about this? German bread? Holy crap, that shit is amazing. Dr. Atkins would have rethought his diet, had he lived here for a while. Or, maybe not, considering he surely brought in loads of dough (Ha. I didn’t even mean for that pun. The best kind of pun! Unintentional punage! Not a word, “punage”.) with his BREAD IS THE DEVIL approach.

Anyway, German bread is amazing. But could I ever trade it for my beloved Taco Bell? What is the deal? I fantasize about that shit. But still, all that healthy bread has clearly deprived my body of its American-style ever-present NEED for FAKE FOOD--high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS) and other delicious preservatives and false flavors. I think we underestimate our reliance on this shit. For reals.

I think the HFCS people are up to no good. No good, at all. This deserves a separate entry, but seriously? Wtf?

Oh, nevermind. I guess it’s going to be in this entry, since the likelihood of me blogging in the next month ain’t so great.

I was listening to one of my new favorite podcasts—Stuff You Should Know, by my latest virtual crushes, Josh Clark and Chuck Bryant. The topic of the episode was HFCS and that podcast left me even more suspicious and weirded out about the junk.

Anywhooo…I told a student of mine about America’s use of HFCS and ended up betting him €5 euros that German Coca-Cola contains HFCS. Why wouldn’t it? Coca-Cola is Coca-Cola, right? WRONG. We immediately went to the closest store and he won the stupid bet. Did you even know there are different types of Coca-Cola? The marketing geniuses apparently cater to local flavor preferences and laws. So my question is, WHY is HFCS allowed to be in the American version, if we have A CHOICE about it? WTF?

Money, that’s why. Corn production and farming legislation. HFCS makes you fat! And it is in EVERYTHING. Meat! Bread! Cells throughout your entire body metabolize regular glucose, but your liver solely metabolizes fructose and any excess your liver cannot handle is turned into fat. It was introduced to the market in the 1970s and the rates of obesity and type 2 diabetes immediately began rising.

Anyway. Yes. Listen to that podcast. I’m excited to go home.

The end.

WAAAAAAH!!!!!

My internet has been down since Thursday morning. It is now Monday evening, and pardon my French, I’m fucking annoyed as shit. Motherfuckers better get their shit together or I am seriously feeling like I might lose my fucking mind.

Anyway. I have been sitting on this blog entry since the 26th. Fuckers.
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There’s a lot going on at the moment. Some of these things are as follows:

1. I agreed to make a cake in the shape of the Eiffel Tower for my boss’ girlfriend’s birthday. I honestly do not know why I got myself into this mess. Shit.

2. I am running out of money. I can’t determine where exactly it is all going, but my current hypothesis is that it is all being spent on cappuccino and laugenbrötchen. Tasty, but at my going rate, quite expensive.

3. It looks like I may not qualify for affordable health insurance. It is very complicated and hard to explain, but overall, shitty. This is making me rethink the feasibility of my staying here. More on this later, I suppose.

4. I’ve discovered that teaching is one of the most difficult jobs ever. It is of course (thankfully!) very rewarding, but I’m learning that it is also mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. I think you should write letters to your favorite teachers thanking them, because they deserve endless praise. Teaching is wicked hard.

5. I love to teach.

6. Dating is a waste of time.

7. I am addicted to Taco Bell. I fantasize about it. I would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a Mexican pizza. I think that shit may be laced. Seriously, are preservatives and additives addictive?

8. I keep opening my garbage can and thinking, when did I eat salami? That shit stinks. I think it is time to take the trash out.

9. I’m tired of having to do everything all the time. I want someone else to take the trash out. Maybe dating isn’t a waste of time.

10. German butter is so good. Americans are being jipped.

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And the updates since last week…

1) I am totally freaking my shit out about the Eiffel Tower cake. Have considered completely backing out, but am going to just try it and see how it goes. Pictures will surely follow.

2) I still don’t know what the deal is with my health insurance.

3) I am not ready to be a teacher.

4) Taco Bell sounds amazing, and I’m not even hungry.

5) Oh, I discovered the source of the salami scent. It was, believe it or not, SALAMI! I forgot that I purchased some Ja! Salami Pizza. Shit was cheap und lecker (delicious).

6) Dating is still a waste of time. I think I feel worse about life in general when I date, so I’m giving it up. Less to think about.

7) Teaching is really hard. I don’t know if I can keep this up. I really don’t know.

Anyway, peace out, skillet.

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

And I do not feel fine.