You know, sometimes life is weird.

Weird and awkward and uncomfortable.

Like now. I am feeling very unbalanced. I feel unsure about a lot of things and dissatisfied with most. I get angry easily and my temper is short. I am not prepared to deal, to be patient and listen. I am nervous and suspicious and feeling fat and this is a bad combination.

I feel as though I am constantly on the brink of cutting my hair off and dying what remains purple. Purple scalp. Quitting my job and liquidating my shit and dealing with the consequences later. Taking a long trip and learning German. Piercing something new. It's been a long time since a new piercing.

Getting a tattoo.

I've actually been contemplating the idea of getting a tattoo to represent my committment to myself to remain smoke-free. I hesitate though, because I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I need to maintain some sort of escape from my smoke-free lifestyle. Having to contradict a tattoo would really suck. I think that is part of the addiction, allowing myself the idea that one day, I'll have another cigarette.

It has been 11 months and 5 days since my last sickorette. I know this because I've installed a quitmeter on my desktop, wherein I programmed how much I was smoking, how often, and how much it cost me. So, It's been nearly a year, I've saved....$1,334.72, and I have NOT smoked......5,070 cigarettes.......5,070!!!!!!! Can you believe that? Each one was like 7 minutes! What is that?.....Oh my god.....591.5 hours?.....Oh my god. Are there seriously only 720 hours in a month? I would have spent nearly....25 days of the last 11 months smoking....25 days....How fucked up is that? Holy crapola!!!!!!!

Wow.

What's doubly fucked up is that I still want a cigarette. But you know, I can breathe and run without coughing or wheezing and I don't cough up chunky stuff. Ever. And that is good. Also, I never smell of cigarettes and that is really nice.

Can you tell this post is me trying to convince myself that I'm doing okay and don't need a stupid sickorette? Cuz crap sucks right now and it would be so easy to just have one. Argh!!!! I need a friggin' punching bag in my room or something.

It's time for bed.

Goodnight.

Tacos Are For Lovers

I haven’t posted in a while and figured since I linked to a couple of blogs today, I’d update. You know, just in case someone stops by to check the place out.

Well, let’s see…..the last time I posted was in July and it sounds like I was pretty miserable. I’m feeling much better these days. I moved to a new city on September 1st in the Boston area, which has been quite an experience. This city, we’ll call it Homeville, is the most diverse city I’ve ever lived in. The streets are filled with Spanish speakers mostly, so I am slowly picking up some new words and phrases.

I studied Spanish for one semester during my final year of college and have always wanted to learn more, so being in such close proximity to so many native speakers is really awesome.

Also, Homeville has some really tasty food. Mmmmm…..tacos. Tacos are my favorite food in the whole wide world. I could eat tacos for every meal. There is a little Salvadoran restaurant near my house and holy tacos are their tacos delicious! Me gusta mucho.

In other news, I am still off of the cigarettes. It has been ten months! Ten months. That is a lot of months, right?! It’s crazy. I think about the last ten months and how hard I have struggled with those evil sickorettes and am so incredibly proud of myself. I haven’t had a single cigarette in ten months. I can’t believe so much time has passed since I had my last one.

It’s weird though. I still want a cigarette pretty much every day. I hear that it takes a couple of years to stop thinking about them all together, and I am hoping that is true (or that it takes less time, naturally), but sometimes I feel like I will always want one. Forever. I hope that’s not the case. It would suck to live life constantly wanting a cigarette, don’t you think?

My birthday is in a week and I’ve decided that instead of celebrating that, I am going to celebrate my one year non-smoking mark, November 26th. I think I will invite my friends to go out to dinner with me. We will eat, drink and be merry and it will be fun. I think a one year mark is much more significant than a silly birthday, don’t you?

Anyhooters…..that’s all for today. Have a nice Wednesday!

Beware the Crazies

One of my dearest friends performed in an improv troupe and, tonight, instead of taking various forms of public transportation to get to her show, I decided to walk. The walk was longish--I'd say I walked for about 2 hours. A good walk, lined with trees.

I asked a cute boy if there was a shortcut to the street I was looking for. A woman walking past decided I was actually speaking to her and insisted that she was headed right that way.

Great. We're suddenly BFFs.

The first thing she says of any substance: "You know something is wrong when you go to visit your boyfriend in the psych ward and the nurses are more concerned about you than him."

Um.....yeah.

Right.

What you said.

It was a long walk together. I won't rehash the details. I hope her life turns around though. She seemed sweet.

Is That So Wrong?

I lied to him tonight to see how he'd respond. Evil? I think, maybe not so much.

As it turns out, he doesn't give a shit. I'm not surprised. He's a douchebag. Very selfish. Only thinks about himself.

On another front (one that doesn't make me want to cry), I have a wicked crush. Ugh, it's so.....so.....so exciting and annoying. All at once. I just want to make out with him! Grrrr. I'm so out of practice in the flirting and whatnot that I have no idea what to do. I am terrified of coming on too strongly, so I'm trying to just chill the fuck out.

Crushes sure are fun though. It's been about 5 years since I've had a good crush. I've been wrapped up in this one for 5 friggin' years. 5 years is too many years.

I do love him though. I love him and it's time to let him go. It keeps on sort of sucking though. I'm not exactly sure it won't continue sucking forever. Like with one of my old loves. Sometimes I think about him and wish I could hug him and turn back time and make things right again. Sometimes that still sucks, but I deal. You get used to it and it hurts less.

Just have to deal, I guess.

Ah, Crap.

I revealed my secret blog and I can't find a way to edit, undo.

Yes, I have a blog. Yes, it was supposed to be a secret. Yes, I've posted some stuff on here that I didn't want to share.

Oops.

Edit, Undo!!!!!!!! Damn it all to hell. Welcome to my "ninja" blog, which isn't so ninja afterall.

Time to Love Myself

Well, I just returned last night from a trip to California to visit the boy. I'm a jerk. I shouldn't have gone. I don't know why I keep putting myself through this garbage. Everytime I see him, I end up feeling like an obsessed lunatic.

I wrote the following while drunk in a club in San Francisco, after I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away:

I feel badly because he makes me feel badly. Not because I feel that way independently. I feel inadequate. He never validates me. I try so hard, I make myself sick. Everyone but me sees the truth. He doesn't care.

Pretty pathetic, eh? I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away. He later explained that he needed some space.

Space? And I'm surprised? F-ing noncommittal asshole, that's what he is.

I am a good person. With a good heart. I am worth more than this. I deserve a good man. Someone who will look at me and run his fingers through my hair because he wants to touch me. Someone who will make sacrifices and plans. Someone who isn't him.

He was my person at one time, but I guess maybe I've changed. I can't do this anymore. It's been too long and too hard. I'm tired of hurting. Tired of being alone when I feel like my other half is out there, digging in the fucking dirt somewhere instead of sleeping next to me.

Fuck him.

I Resolve

I’m making resolutions this year. True resolutions. I’ve never really made a resolution before now because I knew that if I were to make one, I would have to pick quitting smoking. So, in order to keep smoking, I decided to just not make any resolutions whatsoever. It was easier that way. It was cowardly.

So this year, since I’ve already quit smoking (last Sunday was one month!), I am making some serious changes. I have three that I have narrowed it down to, but the list is actually a bit longer than that. Here we go.

1.) I will create and effectively implement a budget.
2.) I will have my credit card balance paid in full by December 28, 2007.
3.) I will be able to run continuously for ten consecutive minutes by June 1, 2007.

Other things I will try to accomplish this year are:

4.) I will start volunteering somewhere.
5.) I will really learn to use my camera.
6.) I will open and regularly fund a savings account.

There you go. I know the list is intense, but I think I can do these things. If I do nothing else, I will stay quit from the sickorettes and I will pay off my credit card.
The end.

Nicotine Recovery, Day #4

I’m feeling pretty good today. My throat just now started aggravating me at 4:40 p.m., so that’s interesting.

I cried my eyes out last night. Like a baby. More on that later.

I’m hanging in there.

Last Night's Dream

The entire dream is a blur, except a part where I was coughing and coughing and I started to hack up blue and black bits. Then blue liquid. My lungs were being flushed clean but it was a brutal experience.

Nicotine Recovery, Day #3

Wow. Day three already! I continue to impress myself.

So, how do I feel? Well, I am wicked antsy. Restless. Hungry. Irritable. I think those are all normal feelings to be having at this point in the recovery process though, so I’m not alarmed.

I am also incredibly proud of myself. I didn’t know I could do this. I mean, I knew, deep down, but I thought I was weak. That quitting would be the most awful thing I’d ever been through and it simply is not.

Last night, I picked up flavored toothpicks from the health food store and sucked on them until I got home. Immensely helpful. The walk was so much easier than the day before. I also had grocery bags with me, so my hands were full and busy, which also seemed to help.

Until last night, I was still carrying around my lighter and a pack of cigarettes with 7-8 left. I kept thinking that I would give them to the next smoker I saw. I didn’t want them to go to waste. But then I realized that no one should have them and I don’t want to contribute to anyone else’s habit anymore. I was an enabler for many of my friends for a long while and I will no longer be that person.

I’m not sure who I will be. I have vast amounts of free time now. I never realized just how much time smoking took up. Last night I rearranged my bookshelves, finally went through the box of papers I’ve been meaning to address, sorted my change to prepare for rolling pennies, and made dinner. On a Tuesday. Wow. What a concept.

The one thing that really upset me yesterday was that CM wasn’t supportive or encouraging when I told him I’d gone two days. He of all people should appreciate my efforts. I waited for his response and he basically came back with, “That’s good. You know, I don’t understand how it’s so hard. It’s like, when I smoked (for approximately 6 months or something—not NINE years), I just stopped. It’s all mental.” No “that’s awesome!” or “good job” or “I’m so proud of you!” He just manipulated the conversation so it was all about him again. Fucking jerk.

Anyway. I plan on talking to him tonight about how he hurt my feelings. We’ll see how he responds.

So yeah, three days. I just gotta keep on keepin’ on.

Nicotine Recovery, Day #2

It is the second day on my road to recovery. Today is a bit more difficult than yesterday, in that I want to eat non-stop and am super fidgety. I am taking Welbutrin to help me through this process and today was the first day I took the full dosage, so I think that is contributing to my jumpiness. I was taking one per day and am now up to two.

Last night was not a huge challenge, surprisingly. I went to the gym, busted my ass, and then headed home. I have to say, the walk home from the gym was the hardest part of my day. I wanted a cigarette so badly that I ended up buying a bag of salt & vinegar chips and munching them the whole way home. Once I was home I was fine. I managed to make dinner and chill out in front of the television for the rest of the evening.

I had trouble falling asleep last night, but once I did, I slept like a baby. My cough this morning felt different than usual. Less movement and harsher. Sudden and unexpected. I’ve been wheezing off and on since last night. My lungs are pissed.

I think the most surprising thing about this process is that it doesn’t feel all that difficult. I thought this would be the hardest thing I have ever done, but it’s not. I can totally do this. I’m not out of my mind with withdrawal symptoms. The world did not come crashing down around me.

I still have a few cigarettes which I plan on giving away tonight. I don’t need them anymore. I can do this.

Nicotine Recovery, Day #1

I had my final cigarette last night at approximately 11:00. It tasted vile after reading so much information about the chemicals in cigarettes. I kept thinking, “This is it. This is the last one.” Part of my brain was saying, “You know this isn’t the last one. Don’t be so dramatic.”

It is now 5:15 p.m., the next day. I am roughly 18 hours in---18 hours into my recovery from my nicotine addiction. In six hours I will have gone a whole 24 hours without a cigarette---the longest I’ve ever made it. After 72 hours, the nicotine will have left my system entirely for the first time in 9 years. 9 years. Oh dear god. How did this happen?

I tried quitting once before. Once. I was smoke-free for less than 15 hours. I originally set my Quit Date for November 29th, but decided to give it a go today, since I so effectively grossed myself out last night reading about the alarming facts and consequences of cigarette use.

I can do this. I feel fine. A bit jittery, sure, but all in all, I feel fine. My cough is starting to get pretty nasty, but I expected that. It’s usually nasty so I’m unfortunately used to it. I’m a bit antsy so I am heading to the gym after work to work off some of my pent-up energy. I’m hungrier than usual, so I picked up some sugarless gum and hard candies to keep my mouth busy.

I kept smelling my hands today and loving the fact that they smell of soap. And vanilla. They smell nice for the first time in so long.

I got on the train today without using my breath spray or my anti-bacterial hand lotion to mask the smell of the cigarette I would have typically smoked during my walk to the station. It felt freaking fantastic. I’m a non-smoker.