Weird and awkward and uncomfortable.
Like now. I am feeling very unbalanced. I feel unsure about a lot of things and dissatisfied with most. I get angry easily and my temper is short. I am not prepared to deal, to be patient and listen. I am nervous and suspicious and feeling fat and this is a bad combination.
I feel as though I am constantly on the brink of cutting my hair off and dying what remains purple. Purple scalp. Quitting my job and liquidating my shit and dealing with the consequences later. Taking a long trip and learning German. Piercing something new. It's been a long time since a new piercing.
Getting a tattoo.
I've actually been contemplating the idea of getting a tattoo to represent my committment to myself to remain smoke-free. I hesitate though, because I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I need to maintain some sort of escape from my smoke-free lifestyle. Having to contradict a tattoo would really suck. I think that is part of the addiction, allowing myself the idea that one day, I'll have another cigarette.
It has been 11 months and 5 days since my last sickorette. I know this because I've installed a quitmeter on my desktop, wherein I programmed how much I was smoking, how often, and how much it cost me. So, It's been nearly a year, I've saved....$1,334.72, and I have NOT smoked......5,070 cigarettes.......5,070!!!!!!! Can you believe that? Each one was like 7 minutes! What is that?.....Oh my god.....591.5 hours?.....Oh my god. Are there seriously only 720 hours in a month? I would have spent nearly....25 days of the last 11 months smoking....25 days....How fucked up is that? Holy crapola!!!!!!!
Wow.
What's doubly fucked up is that I still want a cigarette. But you know, I can breathe and run without coughing or wheezing and I don't cough up chunky stuff. Ever. And that is good. Also, I never smell of cigarettes and that is really nice.
Can you tell this post is me trying to convince myself that I'm doing okay and don't need a stupid sickorette? Cuz crap sucks right now and it would be so easy to just have one. Argh!!!! I need a friggin' punching bag in my room or something.
It's time for bed.
Goodnight.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
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1 comment:
I REALLY need to quit smoking. I've tried before, and done alright, but I remember the feeling of wanting to put my head through a wall, and usually that's when I start again.
Your calculations really made me think...I am guessing that cigarettes cost way more up here in Saskatchewan, i probably spend WAY more in a year. SHEESH.
Good for you though!
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