Dear Train Lady,

(3/5/06)

I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to acknowledge the sticky, drippy situation in which you managed to find yourself this previous Friday evening on the red line.

To refresh your mind, you decided that it was a perfectly acceptable idea to bring your entire dinner onto the train with you to consume during the 5:00 Friday rush. I must say, I was not only impressed, but rather amused by your ability and willingness to create your well-balanced meal entirely from White Hen Pantry. Well done, Train Lady, well done.

I was, I must admit, a bit jealous of your White Hen fare. You see, it was that time of day when I just feel like eating everything that isn't nailed down. Thank you for giving me something to gaze at longingly during the ride. I mean, I don't even like Fritos all that much, but damn they stank good.

After you finished munching those delightfully-scented Fritos, you decided to wait on your thick, triangular, plastic-wrapped sandwich, and go straight for your Diet Dr. Pepper. What happened next shocked us all.

You cracked the top and KABOOM!!! The soda-pop exploded and went everywhere (but mostly, all over you, your Fritos, the aforementioned sandwich, and your purse)!!!! HA!!!!!
I was the sole passenger to offer you assistance as you were covered in Diet Dr. Pepper. I gave you the napkins I had in my pocket from my breakfast and you attempted to solve your three-paper-towels-needed dilemma with four measly, non-absorbent pieces of crap that someone decided would serve well as napkins.

I just want to say, Train Lady, that I wish I had had more paper products to offer. I also wish that someone else had stepped up to the plate to help their fellow human in distress. Unfortunately, you cannot count on other humans to help you in times of need. You should really know better.

With that said, I hope the next time you decide to bring such a load of consumables onto public transportation, you will remember to bring napkins with you. Please, for the individuals who were caught in the wrath of said soda incident, and for all caught in the future, be prepared.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
MJ