You know, sometimes life is weird.

Weird and awkward and uncomfortable.

Like now. I am feeling very unbalanced. I feel unsure about a lot of things and dissatisfied with most. I get angry easily and my temper is short. I am not prepared to deal, to be patient and listen. I am nervous and suspicious and feeling fat and this is a bad combination.

I feel as though I am constantly on the brink of cutting my hair off and dying what remains purple. Purple scalp. Quitting my job and liquidating my shit and dealing with the consequences later. Taking a long trip and learning German. Piercing something new. It's been a long time since a new piercing.

Getting a tattoo.

I've actually been contemplating the idea of getting a tattoo to represent my committment to myself to remain smoke-free. I hesitate though, because I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I need to maintain some sort of escape from my smoke-free lifestyle. Having to contradict a tattoo would really suck. I think that is part of the addiction, allowing myself the idea that one day, I'll have another cigarette.

It has been 11 months and 5 days since my last sickorette. I know this because I've installed a quitmeter on my desktop, wherein I programmed how much I was smoking, how often, and how much it cost me. So, It's been nearly a year, I've saved....$1,334.72, and I have NOT smoked......5,070 cigarettes.......5,070!!!!!!! Can you believe that? Each one was like 7 minutes! What is that?.....Oh my god.....591.5 hours?.....Oh my god. Are there seriously only 720 hours in a month? I would have spent nearly....25 days of the last 11 months smoking....25 days....How fucked up is that? Holy crapola!!!!!!!

Wow.

What's doubly fucked up is that I still want a cigarette. But you know, I can breathe and run without coughing or wheezing and I don't cough up chunky stuff. Ever. And that is good. Also, I never smell of cigarettes and that is really nice.

Can you tell this post is me trying to convince myself that I'm doing okay and don't need a stupid sickorette? Cuz crap sucks right now and it would be so easy to just have one. Argh!!!! I need a friggin' punching bag in my room or something.

It's time for bed.

Goodnight.

Tacos Are For Lovers

I haven’t posted in a while and figured since I linked to a couple of blogs today, I’d update. You know, just in case someone stops by to check the place out.

Well, let’s see…..the last time I posted was in July and it sounds like I was pretty miserable. I’m feeling much better these days. I moved to a new city on September 1st in the Boston area, which has been quite an experience. This city, we’ll call it Homeville, is the most diverse city I’ve ever lived in. The streets are filled with Spanish speakers mostly, so I am slowly picking up some new words and phrases.

I studied Spanish for one semester during my final year of college and have always wanted to learn more, so being in such close proximity to so many native speakers is really awesome.

Also, Homeville has some really tasty food. Mmmmm…..tacos. Tacos are my favorite food in the whole wide world. I could eat tacos for every meal. There is a little Salvadoran restaurant near my house and holy tacos are their tacos delicious! Me gusta mucho.

In other news, I am still off of the cigarettes. It has been ten months! Ten months. That is a lot of months, right?! It’s crazy. I think about the last ten months and how hard I have struggled with those evil sickorettes and am so incredibly proud of myself. I haven’t had a single cigarette in ten months. I can’t believe so much time has passed since I had my last one.

It’s weird though. I still want a cigarette pretty much every day. I hear that it takes a couple of years to stop thinking about them all together, and I am hoping that is true (or that it takes less time, naturally), but sometimes I feel like I will always want one. Forever. I hope that’s not the case. It would suck to live life constantly wanting a cigarette, don’t you think?

My birthday is in a week and I’ve decided that instead of celebrating that, I am going to celebrate my one year non-smoking mark, November 26th. I think I will invite my friends to go out to dinner with me. We will eat, drink and be merry and it will be fun. I think a one year mark is much more significant than a silly birthday, don’t you?

Anyhooters…..that’s all for today. Have a nice Wednesday!