I Will Now Subject You To My Very First Blog

(Written October 19, 2005)

Welcome to my first blog ever. I've never done this before, so be patient, dear readers.

So, I've begun to feel like I must not know myself very well because I am having the damnedest time filling out my myspace profile. Everytime I type something in, I think, nah, that's not me or that doesn't sound right. Then an unexpected error occurs and shuts me down and I just plain give up. This time will be different. I can feel it in my bones.

I am at a weird point in my life. I feel like I have all these things going for me, right? Like stuff is right where it is supposed to be. Work is good. School is time-consuming but worthwhile. My bedroom is clean and my bills are paid. I even have clean underwear in my drawer and the makings for a decent sandwich in my refridgerator. But yet, something is lacking.

I was grocery shopping on Sunday and I nearly broke down in the chip aisle. I wanted to buy a jar of salsa con queso, but realized that there was little chance that I alone would be able to consume the entire jar before it got all weird and coagulated. If I had someone to share my life with, a partner, a man, he would eat the salsa con queso and I wouldn't have to worry about it going bad. He might even go halfies on it with me. But there is no one.

I'm not really sad generally. I go about my life, doing my own thing and I'm happy. I feel good really. But that stupid jar of processed cheese goop really fucked with me. It brought to mind a post on craigslist (my bff) that I read some time ago (not sure when, I read so many posts each day...yes, I am a junkie). This girl was talking about how the thing she misses most about being in a relationship is knowing that if she buys a loaf of bread, it will all be eaten before it goes stale. You see, she alone could not consume an entire loaf before it got stale or moldy. I never understood her plight better than Sunday, standing, staring at the salsa con queso.

Everyone says, "be patient. it will happen when you least expect it". I don't expect a thing, but god damn! And sure, I could probably meet someone tonight to play with, but I don't want to play. I want to get comfortable with someone.

I am throwing a pity party over a jar of salsa. I should have just purchased it and let the damn stuff go bad.