Nicotine Recovery, Day #4

I’m feeling pretty good today. My throat just now started aggravating me at 4:40 p.m., so that’s interesting.

I cried my eyes out last night. Like a baby. More on that later.

I’m hanging in there.

Last Night's Dream

The entire dream is a blur, except a part where I was coughing and coughing and I started to hack up blue and black bits. Then blue liquid. My lungs were being flushed clean but it was a brutal experience.

Nicotine Recovery, Day #3

Wow. Day three already! I continue to impress myself.

So, how do I feel? Well, I am wicked antsy. Restless. Hungry. Irritable. I think those are all normal feelings to be having at this point in the recovery process though, so I’m not alarmed.

I am also incredibly proud of myself. I didn’t know I could do this. I mean, I knew, deep down, but I thought I was weak. That quitting would be the most awful thing I’d ever been through and it simply is not.

Last night, I picked up flavored toothpicks from the health food store and sucked on them until I got home. Immensely helpful. The walk was so much easier than the day before. I also had grocery bags with me, so my hands were full and busy, which also seemed to help.

Until last night, I was still carrying around my lighter and a pack of cigarettes with 7-8 left. I kept thinking that I would give them to the next smoker I saw. I didn’t want them to go to waste. But then I realized that no one should have them and I don’t want to contribute to anyone else’s habit anymore. I was an enabler for many of my friends for a long while and I will no longer be that person.

I’m not sure who I will be. I have vast amounts of free time now. I never realized just how much time smoking took up. Last night I rearranged my bookshelves, finally went through the box of papers I’ve been meaning to address, sorted my change to prepare for rolling pennies, and made dinner. On a Tuesday. Wow. What a concept.

The one thing that really upset me yesterday was that CM wasn’t supportive or encouraging when I told him I’d gone two days. He of all people should appreciate my efforts. I waited for his response and he basically came back with, “That’s good. You know, I don’t understand how it’s so hard. It’s like, when I smoked (for approximately 6 months or something—not NINE years), I just stopped. It’s all mental.” No “that’s awesome!” or “good job” or “I’m so proud of you!” He just manipulated the conversation so it was all about him again. Fucking jerk.

Anyway. I plan on talking to him tonight about how he hurt my feelings. We’ll see how he responds.

So yeah, three days. I just gotta keep on keepin’ on.

Nicotine Recovery, Day #2

It is the second day on my road to recovery. Today is a bit more difficult than yesterday, in that I want to eat non-stop and am super fidgety. I am taking Welbutrin to help me through this process and today was the first day I took the full dosage, so I think that is contributing to my jumpiness. I was taking one per day and am now up to two.

Last night was not a huge challenge, surprisingly. I went to the gym, busted my ass, and then headed home. I have to say, the walk home from the gym was the hardest part of my day. I wanted a cigarette so badly that I ended up buying a bag of salt & vinegar chips and munching them the whole way home. Once I was home I was fine. I managed to make dinner and chill out in front of the television for the rest of the evening.

I had trouble falling asleep last night, but once I did, I slept like a baby. My cough this morning felt different than usual. Less movement and harsher. Sudden and unexpected. I’ve been wheezing off and on since last night. My lungs are pissed.

I think the most surprising thing about this process is that it doesn’t feel all that difficult. I thought this would be the hardest thing I have ever done, but it’s not. I can totally do this. I’m not out of my mind with withdrawal symptoms. The world did not come crashing down around me.

I still have a few cigarettes which I plan on giving away tonight. I don’t need them anymore. I can do this.

Nicotine Recovery, Day #1

I had my final cigarette last night at approximately 11:00. It tasted vile after reading so much information about the chemicals in cigarettes. I kept thinking, “This is it. This is the last one.” Part of my brain was saying, “You know this isn’t the last one. Don’t be so dramatic.”

It is now 5:15 p.m., the next day. I am roughly 18 hours in---18 hours into my recovery from my nicotine addiction. In six hours I will have gone a whole 24 hours without a cigarette---the longest I’ve ever made it. After 72 hours, the nicotine will have left my system entirely for the first time in 9 years. 9 years. Oh dear god. How did this happen?

I tried quitting once before. Once. I was smoke-free for less than 15 hours. I originally set my Quit Date for November 29th, but decided to give it a go today, since I so effectively grossed myself out last night reading about the alarming facts and consequences of cigarette use.

I can do this. I feel fine. A bit jittery, sure, but all in all, I feel fine. My cough is starting to get pretty nasty, but I expected that. It’s usually nasty so I’m unfortunately used to it. I’m a bit antsy so I am heading to the gym after work to work off some of my pent-up energy. I’m hungrier than usual, so I picked up some sugarless gum and hard candies to keep my mouth busy.

I kept smelling my hands today and loving the fact that they smell of soap. And vanilla. They smell nice for the first time in so long.

I got on the train today without using my breath spray or my anti-bacterial hand lotion to mask the smell of the cigarette I would have typically smoked during my walk to the station. It felt freaking fantastic. I’m a non-smoker.