Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my first annual review at my job (been there since last January). I am going to attempt to negotiate my way to a happier salary, but I have to admit, I'm pretty nervous. I've never done this before, but I figure, what have I got to lose? I have to learn to speak business sometime.

Also, my allergy testing is tomorrow afternoon, so I will hopefully finally be able to figure out--after much poking, I assume--why my eyelids swell up and turn bright red and itchy once every few months. Is it something in red wine? That's the only thing I can figure, but I've had quite a lot of wine that didn't affect me that way, so I don't know.

So yeah, money and health. Big day. Here's to good happy things, like more money and finding out I'm not allergic to red wine. Ugh, that would seriously blow.

By Golly, I Think it is Time

Time for a show. Time for...the theatre! I am suddenly intensely feeling the urge to do something, anything creative. It's funny because on the other hand, more than anything, I want to eat until I feel I might pop and sleep until I can't possibly sleep another second. I am torn between hibernating and creating.

I can sleep. One of the things I am best at is sleeping. That may sound silly, but consider this. One weekend during my senior year, I fell asleep at 7:00 Friday night and woke up at 5:00 on Saturday afternoon. I slept for almost an entire drive from chicago to southern florida that same year.

I can do this now without much fanfare, but now I'm doing a lot more of the boozing, so it's not quite as impressive.

Anyway, I want things right now. I want to be busy. I want to create things, sleep a lot and eat everything that's not nailed down.

I could also go for a hug.

Peace out, yo.

P.S. Today I have officially NOT spent $1,500 on cigarettes! Woot!

Nicotine Recovery: Day 366

Yes, that's right. I have officially been quit for 1 year and 1 day and, can I just say, HOLY CRAP! I celebrated by buying myself a car! Sweet reward, eh? Tack it onto the heaping pile of debt. It's all good! I deserve it, damnit! So yeah. I did. I bought a car and it pretty much rocks. I love late night grocery shopping. I had forgotten how satisfying it can be.

Anyway, back to it. One year. What a weird feeling. What an accomplishment. I am so proud of myself. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever done and yet, the battle rages on. I still want a cigarette pretty much everyday, but I no longer come to that conclusion independently. It is always triggered by someone else's smoking, instead of coming from my own instinct. That's a good feeling. A great feeling.

It is getting easier and I am so glad I did this for myself. I remember the first couple of days and the horrible withdrawal and how I felt like as if a monster was trying to crawl out of my chest and attack anyone who looked at me in a funny way. I felt like I was exploding inside and the only thing that would fix it was a cigarette. It was awful. I never, ever want to go through that again.

It has really helped me to think about this process as a recovery from nicotine addiction instead of breaking up with my best friend, which is how it felt much of the time. I went to the doctor right before I quit and she didn't want to talk about my girly issues. Nooooo....she wanted to talk about smoking. She wouldn't stop asking me questions about how much I smoked and then she asked if I could imagine a day without a cigarette and I honestly could not. I then noticed that on her computer screen, under my name, it said "nicotine abuse disorder."

Disorder? Disorderly? Me???? I am an organizational freak and some would argue, a control freak. I saw those words and it really struck a chord with me.

It was the right chord at the right time I think. I am so thankful. So freaking thankful.

Happy day.

You know, sometimes life is weird.

Weird and awkward and uncomfortable.

Like now. I am feeling very unbalanced. I feel unsure about a lot of things and dissatisfied with most. I get angry easily and my temper is short. I am not prepared to deal, to be patient and listen. I am nervous and suspicious and feeling fat and this is a bad combination.

I feel as though I am constantly on the brink of cutting my hair off and dying what remains purple. Purple scalp. Quitting my job and liquidating my shit and dealing with the consequences later. Taking a long trip and learning German. Piercing something new. It's been a long time since a new piercing.

Getting a tattoo.

I've actually been contemplating the idea of getting a tattoo to represent my committment to myself to remain smoke-free. I hesitate though, because I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I need to maintain some sort of escape from my smoke-free lifestyle. Having to contradict a tattoo would really suck. I think that is part of the addiction, allowing myself the idea that one day, I'll have another cigarette.

It has been 11 months and 5 days since my last sickorette. I know this because I've installed a quitmeter on my desktop, wherein I programmed how much I was smoking, how often, and how much it cost me. So, It's been nearly a year, I've saved....$1,334.72, and I have NOT smoked......5,070 cigarettes.......5,070!!!!!!! Can you believe that? Each one was like 7 minutes! What is that?.....Oh my god.....591.5 hours?.....Oh my god. Are there seriously only 720 hours in a month? I would have spent nearly....25 days of the last 11 months smoking....25 days....How fucked up is that? Holy crapola!!!!!!!

Wow.

What's doubly fucked up is that I still want a cigarette. But you know, I can breathe and run without coughing or wheezing and I don't cough up chunky stuff. Ever. And that is good. Also, I never smell of cigarettes and that is really nice.

Can you tell this post is me trying to convince myself that I'm doing okay and don't need a stupid sickorette? Cuz crap sucks right now and it would be so easy to just have one. Argh!!!! I need a friggin' punching bag in my room or something.

It's time for bed.

Goodnight.

Tacos Are For Lovers

I haven’t posted in a while and figured since I linked to a couple of blogs today, I’d update. You know, just in case someone stops by to check the place out.

Well, let’s see…..the last time I posted was in July and it sounds like I was pretty miserable. I’m feeling much better these days. I moved to a new city on September 1st in the Boston area, which has been quite an experience. This city, we’ll call it Homeville, is the most diverse city I’ve ever lived in. The streets are filled with Spanish speakers mostly, so I am slowly picking up some new words and phrases.

I studied Spanish for one semester during my final year of college and have always wanted to learn more, so being in such close proximity to so many native speakers is really awesome.

Also, Homeville has some really tasty food. Mmmmm…..tacos. Tacos are my favorite food in the whole wide world. I could eat tacos for every meal. There is a little Salvadoran restaurant near my house and holy tacos are their tacos delicious! Me gusta mucho.

In other news, I am still off of the cigarettes. It has been ten months! Ten months. That is a lot of months, right?! It’s crazy. I think about the last ten months and how hard I have struggled with those evil sickorettes and am so incredibly proud of myself. I haven’t had a single cigarette in ten months. I can’t believe so much time has passed since I had my last one.

It’s weird though. I still want a cigarette pretty much every day. I hear that it takes a couple of years to stop thinking about them all together, and I am hoping that is true (or that it takes less time, naturally), but sometimes I feel like I will always want one. Forever. I hope that’s not the case. It would suck to live life constantly wanting a cigarette, don’t you think?

My birthday is in a week and I’ve decided that instead of celebrating that, I am going to celebrate my one year non-smoking mark, November 26th. I think I will invite my friends to go out to dinner with me. We will eat, drink and be merry and it will be fun. I think a one year mark is much more significant than a silly birthday, don’t you?

Anyhooters…..that’s all for today. Have a nice Wednesday!

Beware the Crazies

One of my dearest friends performed in an improv troupe and, tonight, instead of taking various forms of public transportation to get to her show, I decided to walk. The walk was longish--I'd say I walked for about 2 hours. A good walk, lined with trees.

I asked a cute boy if there was a shortcut to the street I was looking for. A woman walking past decided I was actually speaking to her and insisted that she was headed right that way.

Great. We're suddenly BFFs.

The first thing she says of any substance: "You know something is wrong when you go to visit your boyfriend in the psych ward and the nurses are more concerned about you than him."

Um.....yeah.

Right.

What you said.

It was a long walk together. I won't rehash the details. I hope her life turns around though. She seemed sweet.

Is That So Wrong?

I lied to him tonight to see how he'd respond. Evil? I think, maybe not so much.

As it turns out, he doesn't give a shit. I'm not surprised. He's a douchebag. Very selfish. Only thinks about himself.

On another front (one that doesn't make me want to cry), I have a wicked crush. Ugh, it's so.....so.....so exciting and annoying. All at once. I just want to make out with him! Grrrr. I'm so out of practice in the flirting and whatnot that I have no idea what to do. I am terrified of coming on too strongly, so I'm trying to just chill the fuck out.

Crushes sure are fun though. It's been about 5 years since I've had a good crush. I've been wrapped up in this one for 5 friggin' years. 5 years is too many years.

I do love him though. I love him and it's time to let him go. It keeps on sort of sucking though. I'm not exactly sure it won't continue sucking forever. Like with one of my old loves. Sometimes I think about him and wish I could hug him and turn back time and make things right again. Sometimes that still sucks, but I deal. You get used to it and it hurts less.

Just have to deal, I guess.

Ah, Crap.

I revealed my secret blog and I can't find a way to edit, undo.

Yes, I have a blog. Yes, it was supposed to be a secret. Yes, I've posted some stuff on here that I didn't want to share.

Oops.

Edit, Undo!!!!!!!! Damn it all to hell. Welcome to my "ninja" blog, which isn't so ninja afterall.

Time to Love Myself

Well, I just returned last night from a trip to California to visit the boy. I'm a jerk. I shouldn't have gone. I don't know why I keep putting myself through this garbage. Everytime I see him, I end up feeling like an obsessed lunatic.

I wrote the following while drunk in a club in San Francisco, after I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away:

I feel badly because he makes me feel badly. Not because I feel that way independently. I feel inadequate. He never validates me. I try so hard, I make myself sick. Everyone but me sees the truth. He doesn't care.

Pretty pathetic, eh? I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away. He later explained that he needed some space.

Space? And I'm surprised? F-ing noncommittal asshole, that's what he is.

I am a good person. With a good heart. I am worth more than this. I deserve a good man. Someone who will look at me and run his fingers through my hair because he wants to touch me. Someone who will make sacrifices and plans. Someone who isn't him.

He was my person at one time, but I guess maybe I've changed. I can't do this anymore. It's been too long and too hard. I'm tired of hurting. Tired of being alone when I feel like my other half is out there, digging in the fucking dirt somewhere instead of sleeping next to me.

Fuck him.

I Resolve

I’m making resolutions this year. True resolutions. I’ve never really made a resolution before now because I knew that if I were to make one, I would have to pick quitting smoking. So, in order to keep smoking, I decided to just not make any resolutions whatsoever. It was easier that way. It was cowardly.

So this year, since I’ve already quit smoking (last Sunday was one month!), I am making some serious changes. I have three that I have narrowed it down to, but the list is actually a bit longer than that. Here we go.

1.) I will create and effectively implement a budget.
2.) I will have my credit card balance paid in full by December 28, 2007.
3.) I will be able to run continuously for ten consecutive minutes by June 1, 2007.

Other things I will try to accomplish this year are:

4.) I will start volunteering somewhere.
5.) I will really learn to use my camera.
6.) I will open and regularly fund a savings account.

There you go. I know the list is intense, but I think I can do these things. If I do nothing else, I will stay quit from the sickorettes and I will pay off my credit card.
The end.

Nicotine Recovery, Day #4

I’m feeling pretty good today. My throat just now started aggravating me at 4:40 p.m., so that’s interesting.

I cried my eyes out last night. Like a baby. More on that later.

I’m hanging in there.

Last Night's Dream

The entire dream is a blur, except a part where I was coughing and coughing and I started to hack up blue and black bits. Then blue liquid. My lungs were being flushed clean but it was a brutal experience.