Holy Molars! I Feel So Lucky!!!!!!

I went this afternoon for my root canal appointment and was ready to shell out approximately $800 on the procedure. When I first found out I needed a root canal, I felt as though I'd been punched in the stomach. My financial situation is always fragile, and I was already feeling pretty overwhelmed, so finding out I'd have to put another huge payment on my credit card totally freaked me out. Not to mention, the second part of the procedure, the crown, was quoted to me to be roughly $1,300. Ugh. Double punch.

So I have been totally bummed out, but had basically come to terms with the money. Then today, I go to the appointment, the dentist does a whole mess of diagnostic tests and discovers that I don't need a root canal after all!!!! The problem wasn't even the tooth my dentist or I thought it was, for crying out loud. My dentist sent me to a specialist to determine whether I needed the root canal, and to do it if so. So yeah, it was a totally different tooth causing me the pain. The specialist filed down a couple of cusps on the problematic molar and ta-da! I'm all better! It's insane.

The best part (aside from the real best part, which is that I didn't have to have my tooth gutted and then the second best part, which is that I don't have to pay for a root canal or a crown), the part that makes me feel like the Universe just smiled (three times) down on me, is that she didn't charge me. She did 7 or 8 x-rays and spent over an hour with me and she didn't charge me. Holy crap, right?! I am so incredibly thankful.

So yeah. I feel very lucky. Thank you, Universe.

Feeling Craptastic

I feel crappy. I guess it's the weather or something, but everything kind of sucks right now. Nothing is really that bad. I'm just dissatisfied and annoyed and tired of dealing.

At times like this, I often resort to making a list of why I'm stressed/angry/on edge. Right now, the list looks like this:

1) I keep putting on weight and have no motivation to do anything to stop it.
2) I am lonely.
3) I feel like I will never be debt-free. The debt keeps growing and I feel like I am drowning in it.
4) I miss my old friends. They are so far away and I don't have the funds to visit them.

I guess that's it. Money, weight, relationships. Shocking.

Ugh. I shouldn't be complaining, but I can't help it. It has been really hard to get out of bed lately. Today, I didn't bother. I guess I'm depressed or something. Whatever.

You know what? I'm going for a walk. Fuck this self-pity. I am tired of feeling this way. Clearly, the lack of exercise isn't helping the situation. Here goes nothing.

Nicotine Recovery: Day 366

Yes, that's right. I have officially been quit for 1 year and 1 day and, can I just say, HOLY CRAP! I celebrated by buying myself a car! Sweet reward, eh? Tack it onto the heaping pile of debt. It's all good! I deserve it, damnit! So yeah. I did. I bought a car and it pretty much rocks. I love late night grocery shopping. I had forgotten how satisfying it can be.

Anyway, back to it. One year. What a weird feeling. What an accomplishment. I am so proud of myself. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever done and yet, the battle rages on. I still want a cigarette pretty much everyday, but I no longer come to that conclusion independently. It is always triggered by someone else's smoking, instead of coming from my own instinct. That's a good feeling. A great feeling.

It is getting easier and I am so glad I did this for myself. I remember the first couple of days and the horrible withdrawal and how I felt like as if a monster was trying to crawl out of my chest and attack anyone who looked at me in a funny way. I felt like I was exploding inside and the only thing that would fix it was a cigarette. It was awful. I never, ever want to go through that again.

It has really helped me to think about this process as a recovery from nicotine addiction instead of breaking up with my best friend, which is how it felt much of the time. I went to the doctor right before I quit and she didn't want to talk about my girly issues. Nooooo....she wanted to talk about smoking. She wouldn't stop asking me questions about how much I smoked and then she asked if I could imagine a day without a cigarette and I honestly could not. I then noticed that on her computer screen, under my name, it said "nicotine abuse disorder."

Disorder? Disorderly? Me???? I am an organizational freak and some would argue, a control freak. I saw those words and it really struck a chord with me.

It was the right chord at the right time I think. I am so thankful. So freaking thankful.

Happy day.

I Resolve

I’m making resolutions this year. True resolutions. I’ve never really made a resolution before now because I knew that if I were to make one, I would have to pick quitting smoking. So, in order to keep smoking, I decided to just not make any resolutions whatsoever. It was easier that way. It was cowardly.

So this year, since I’ve already quit smoking (last Sunday was one month!), I am making some serious changes. I have three that I have narrowed it down to, but the list is actually a bit longer than that. Here we go.

1.) I will create and effectively implement a budget.
2.) I will have my credit card balance paid in full by December 28, 2007.
3.) I will be able to run continuously for ten consecutive minutes by June 1, 2007.

Other things I will try to accomplish this year are:

4.) I will start volunteering somewhere.
5.) I will really learn to use my camera.
6.) I will open and regularly fund a savings account.

There you go. I know the list is intense, but I think I can do these things. If I do nothing else, I will stay quit from the sickorettes and I will pay off my credit card.
The end.

Student Loans + Credit Card = My Personal Hell

I am exactly $40,745.01 in the hole. Good times.

I will now pretend I don't know this.